Funny Old Age Poems

There are lots of Funny Old Age Poems Verses Quotes and Sayings around possibly because a sense of humor is needed at this stage of our lives . Most likely we've developed one by then and lost that arrogance of youth and grown more accepting of the way we are.Laughter makes the world go round so get on the roundabout and enjoy! These are free for you to use for non commercial purposes.










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Funny Old Age Poems

Julie Andrews sang this at a birthday celebration to the tune
of These are a few of my Favourite things.

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

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In dog years, I'm dead

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Funny Old Age Poems

Old Age Tension

Sometimes it’s nice being old
It isn’t the mess you’ve been told
You can turn on the telly
Eat custard and jelly
And stop in the house when it gets cold
You can go to the coast for your tea
And sit there and look at the sea
And think of that failure
You had in Australia
With that sailor when you were 23.
You can try on a big daft hat
Or fiddle about with your cat
Or stand on your head before going to bed
But we wont say a lot about that!
You can pretend to do what your told
When people are starting to scold
But all the time it’s yourself that you please
‘Til they want to replace your hips and your knees.
Ann Dryden

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Funny Old Age Poems

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

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My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very
happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore,
after reading this letter, I hope that you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort
Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home
before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the
following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,
who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,
virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
of math, you will understand that we are in the same
situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes
into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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Funny Old Age Poems

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the
Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the
distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

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My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others
I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

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Funny Old Age Poems

OLD FART

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

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Funny Old Age Poems

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
George Burns

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We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped
on our arse. Then things just keep getting worse.

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I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75,
so it's no distance.

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What do gardeners do when they retire?

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Funny Old Age Poems

The Perks of reaching 80 or older

1.Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

3.No one expects you to run----anywhere

4.People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5.People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.Things you buy now won't wear out...

8.You can eat supper at 4pm.

9.You can live without sex but not without glasses

10.You get into heated arguments about pension plans

11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.You sing along with elevator music.

14.Your eyes won't get much worse.

15.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19.You can't remember who told you this list

and last but not least

20.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill & a laxative on the same night.

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Funny Old Age Poems

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Funny Old Age Poems

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